This Month's Story

“She won’t listen! A good wham on the behind is what I’d like to give her! Lord help me, but it’s true”

Stella and I nodded sympathetically; we’d heard this from Martha before. Her daughter Kayla was going through a phase that would pass, but in the long passing, things were rough. Talking about it eased the pain, but when all was said and done, Martha would have to go home and contend with an unpleasant thirteen-year old.

“You see, that’s your problem.” I’ll be the first to admit that I do on occasion pontificate. This was one of those times and I sat up assuming my best tutorial stance. Martha sighed; she had been on the receiving end of my know-it-all lectures before. Stella got up to ‘get some more sun tea.’

“The Lord is on your side,” I continued unabashed. “He, in his infinite wisdom, constructed all children so they can be disciplined.” I actually raised my finger here and pointed upward (at times, I have no shame). “He provided you with a child having a well-buttressed fanny, a fanny that can take sharp slaps. Properly done, these slaps go directly to training centers within the child’s brain. When Kayla was younger, you didn’t do that. Now you are paying for it.”

Stella was back with the glasses of iced tea. She glared at me, “Please tell us Monsignor Paul, what you believe the Lord would have Martha do now.”

My finger had come down and I wiggled it at her. “Of course, the Good Lord thinks about things like that and has arranged for a contingency. It’s all there in the child’s physical construction. You just have to look for it and use it.”

I now moved the by now very annoying finger to point to one of my ears. “You have probably noticed that there are parts of the body that have no apparent function. The ear lobe seems to be one of these. But it is functional. For untold centuries teachers have used it to discipline children between the ages of eight and fifteen.”

I twisted my ear’s lobe to demonstrate.

“See, easy to grab, twist and your in perfect control. The ear is closer to the brain than the fanny, so your message to the child is instantaneous. It’s a great disciplining tool. What is really delightful is that its use in the older child allows a great deal of indignity to accompany the pain. When children are thirteen, they think of themselves as being fourteen or even nearly fifteen. A simple twist of their ear lobe brings them back to being only thirteen very quickly. ”

I looked around at Stella and Martha. They were both staring at me, Stella with blatant surprise and Martha with a moue of enlightenment.

“Try it on Kayla, I think it might be just the thing. It will get her attention, I guarantee.”

“How has Steven been acting?” Stella, annoyed by the whole thing, was trying to change the subject. Steven was Martha’s twelve year old.

“Oh I wish I had a dozen of him. He is an angel. OK, Paul what part of the body does the Lord say I should use with Steven to show him he is being good?”

“Well now, that is an interesting point.” To Stella’s disgust, I again pointed upward. “He has arranged it so that the show of love on your part also requires a laying on of hands. This time on the child’s shoulder.” I stopped and smiled.

Both women looked at me, impatient for me to go on.

I moved my chair close beside Stella and continued in my grand, I knew to be very annoying to Stella, voice. “Now suppose Stella has done something nice; perhaps made me some pound cake or butter pecan ice cream. I would in appreciation use the shoulder grip.” With that, I reached around Stella and clasping her far shoulder, pulled her to me in a warm hug. For added emphasis, I added a kiss to her cheek. Her initial stiffness softened and she in turn pulled close.

“See how easy that is! And what is nice is you can do it from either side. The Lord provides each child with two shoulders.”

Later after Martha had left and I began looking in the refrigerator for some apple juice, Stella came by and gave me her version of the shoulder hug. She even added the cheek kiss. She did both very well.

“Think it will work with Kayla?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Martha looked pretty determined and, come to think of it, Kayla has two ears. They should both get a good workout pretty soon.”